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Absurdity: Acts - Ephesians
1 Corinthians |
2 Corinthians |
- While Jesus went up to heaven, two angels (men in white) stop by to tell the disciples that Jesus will return in the s
ame way he just left them (by beaming up/down via transporter). 1:10-11
- Judas' replacement is selected by lottery. 1:26
- A mighty wind comes, cloven tongues of fire sit on top of heads, everyone starts speaking in languages they don't
understand and act like they're drunk. 2:2-13
- "There were dwelling at Jerusalem Jews, devout men, out of every nation
(Polynesians, Native Americans, Australian Aborigines, Japanese, you name it.) 2:5
- Those who heard the apostles speaking in tongues thought they were drunk. 2:13
- Peter assures the crowd that the apostles aren't drunk, saying, "Heck, it's only nine o'clock in the morning. That's way too early for us to get drunk." 2:14
- Peter says that their strange behavior (speaking in tongues, etc.) was to be expected since they were living in
"the last days." 2:17
- In the last days (which Peter believes have already come) God will show great signs
and wonders -- things like "blood, and fire, and vapour of smoke." 2:19
- "The sun shall be turned into darkness, and the moon into blood."
It happens with every solar or lunar eclipse. 2:20
- Jesus did a little time in hell. I'm not sure what for. 2:31
- "The same day there were added unto them about three thousand souls."
The number of believers went from 120 (1:15) to 3120 in a single day. 2:41
- "Fear came upon every soul: and many wonders and signs were done by the
- Peter heals a lame man. 3:2-7
- "When they had prayed, the place was shaken."
The first prayer-caused earthquake. 4:31
- "By the hands of the apostles were many signs and wonders wrought among
the people." 5:12
- The sick were healed just by touching the shadow of Peter. 5:15-16
- "The angel of the Lord by night opened the prison doors, and brought
them forth." 5:19
- "Stephen ... did great wonders and miracles among the people." 6:8
- "All ... saw his [Stephen's] face as it had been the face of an angel." 6:15
- Stephen, filled with the Holy Ghost, delivers a long, boring,
anti-Semitic speech in a synagogue. 7:2-53
- "When they heard these things ... they gnashed on him with their teeth." 7:54
- You can see lots of cool things when you're filled with the Holy Ghost. 7:55-56
- Philip made "unclean spirits" scream as they left the bodies of the people they possessed.
- "The angel of the Lord spake unto Philip, saying, Arise, and go." 8:26
- "Then the Spirit said unto Philip, Go near, and join thyself to this chariot." 8:29
- The Spirit caught Philip and transported him to a city miles away.
- On the way to Damascus, Paul sees a light and hears the voice of Jesus. 9:3-6
- Jesus blinds Saul. 9:8-9
- Ananias gets a secret message from God about where to meet Saul. 9:10-11
- Jesus and Ananias carry on a remote-vision conversation about Saul. 9:13-16
- Ananias meets Saul and magically restores his sight. 9:17-18
- Peter heals a man with palsy. 9:33-34
- Peter raises Tabitha from the dead. 9:36-40
- Cornelius gets a message from God: Go find Peter. 10:1-6
- Peter has a dream in which God show him "wild beasts, and creeping things, and fowls." The voice
(God's?) says, "Rise, Peter: kill and eat." 10:10-13
- Peter describes the vision that he had in the last chapter (10:10-13). All
kinds of beasts, creeping things, and fowls drop down from the sky in a big sheet, and a voice (God's,
Satan's?) tells him to "Arise, Peter; slay and eat." 11:5-10
- The Spirit interrupts Peter's previous vision with an urgent message: "Three guys are looking for you.
Believe whatever they tell say." 10:19-20
- "Behold, a man stood before me in bright clothing."
If you see a man in bright clothing, it's an angel! 10:30
- Sick people are oppressed by the devil. 10:38
- "The Holy Ghost fell on all them which heard the word." 10:44
- "They of the circumcision which believed were astonished ...
for they heard them speak with tongues." 10:45-46
- A bunch of strangers came to get Peter, who was told by the (holy?) spirit to go with them and do whatever they said. So he went with
them to another guy’s house who had seen an angel who told him to believe whatever Peter said so that he and his family would be saved. When
they arrived, Peter started talking, the Holy Ghost fell on everyone and they all lived happily ever after.
(Or something like that.) 11:12-15
- Herod killed James the brother of John and imprisoned Peter "because he saw it pleased the Jews."
(Jews just love to see Christians killed with the sword.) 12:1-3
- Open Sesame: An angel magically breaks Peter out of prison. 12:7-10
- "It is his angel."
The Christians pray for Peter, but when he shows up, they don't believe it. They think he was "his
angel" instead. (Peter had an angel that looked just like him.) 12:12-15
- "And the people gave a shout, saying, It is the voice of a god, and not of a man."
When Herod gave his speech the people shouted, "It is the voice of God, and not a man."
- "The Holy Ghost said, Separate me Barnabas and Saul for the work whereunto I have called them." 13:2
- "Then the deputy, when he saw what was done, believed."
When the deputy saw that God could (through Paul) make people blind, he believed. (Who else
shows off their power by blinding people?) 13:12
- David was "a man after [God's] own heart." 13:22
- The author of Acts talks about the "sure mercies of David." But David was anything but merciful. For
an example of his behavior see 2 Sam 12:31 and
1 Chr 20:3, where he saws, hacks, and burns to death the inhabitants of
several cities. 13:34
- Paul heals a crippled man. 14:8-10
- The people of Lystra thought Paul and Barnabas were the gods, Jupiter and Mercurius. 14:11-12
- "When the apostles, Barnabas and Paul, heard of, they rent their clothes." 14:14
- Some Jews convince the people (who think Paul is a god) to stone Paul. So they stone Paul and throw his body out of town,
thinking he was dead. 14:19
- Can you get into heaven without a circumcised penis? Paul and Barnabas are sent to Jerusalem to meet with the apostles
to settle the matter once and for all. 15:1-2
- God made choice among
us, that the Gentiles by my mouth should hear the word of the gospel, and believe." 15:7
- "It seemed good to the Holy Ghost, and to us." 15:28
- When they read the no-need-to-get-circumcised epistle, everyone rejoiced. I bet. 15:30-31
- Paul said to Barnabas, "Let's go visit all the places we've preached at before and see how
they're doing." Barnabas said, "OK, but let's take John called Mark with us." Paul said that he wouldn't go anywhere with that John
called Mark guy. So they split up. Paul went with Silas and Barnabas with John called Mark. 15:36-41
- Paul circumcised Timothy, thereby making it impossible for him to be saved, according to his own words in
Galatians 5:2. 16:1-3
- Paul and the newly circumcised Timothy were forbidden by the Holy Ghost to preach in Asia. (God just doesn’t like Asians, I guess.)
Then they tried to go to Bithynia, but the Spirit wouldn't let them do that either. Shucks! 16:7-8
- A man appears to Paul in a dream telling him to go to Macedonia. So Paul, who was a big
believer in dreams, did as the dream-man requested. 16:9-12
- Paul expels a soothsaying spirit of divination. 16:16-18
- "The magistrates rent off their clothes." 16:22
- Paul and Silas were rescued by an earthquake that opened all the doors of the prison. 16:26
- If you "believe on the Lord Jesus Christ," then you and your whole family will be saved; otherwise, God
will send you all to hell. 16:31
- The philosophers in Athens considered Paul a "babbler" who worshipped strange gods.
- Paul, a guy who converted to Christianity because he heard voices, calls
the Greeks too darned superstitious. Talk about the pot calling the kettle black! 17:22
- The first vow-induced shaved head
"Paul ... having shorn his head ... for he had a vow." 18:18
- Paul introduces the Corinthians to the Holy Ghost and immediately they begin to
speak in tongues and prophesy. 19:1-6
- "The school of Tyrannus" is the only school mentioned in the Bible. 19:9
- After only two years of preaching, everyone in Asia had heard the word of the Lord!
- Sick people were cured by touching the handkerchief or apron of Paul. And the evil spirits when out of them."
- Jewish exorcists were so impressed by Paul's ability to cast out evil spirits that
they decided to give it a try, saying to a evil spirit in a possessed person, "We adjure you by Jesus whom Paul preaches." But the evil spirit
said, "Jesus I know, and Paul I know, but who the heck are you?" Then the possessed person jumped on the Jewish
exorcists, and stripped off all their clothes. 19:13-16
- The first Christian book burning occurs when Paul's converts at Ephesus burn 50,000 silver pieces' worth of
books. (A silver piece was worth about a day's wage.) 19:19
- A great multitude cry out "all with one voice" for two hours saying, "Great is Diana of the Ephesians."
- Eutychus was the first casualty of many long boring sermons. But Paul raised him back
to life by falling on and embracing him. 20:7-12
- In one of the few times that Paul quotes Jesus, he attributes to him words that are not found in the gospels.
(It is better to give than to receive.") 20:35
- The Holy Ghost's girdle message: "Agabus ... took Paul's girdle, and bound his own hands an feet, and said, Thus saith the Holy
Ghost, So shall the Jews at Jerusalem bind the man that owneth this girdle, and shall deliver him into the hands of the Gentiles." 21:10-11
- The Jews, once again, incite the people to kill poor old Paul. But he escapes
and delivers another long, boring speech. 21:27-40
- Paul repeats the same stupid story that was told in chapter 9. (Well,
not quite the same. Some of the details were changed to make it more interesting.) 22:6-10
- The people listened to Paul's speech, but didn't like it very much. After listening to it, they took off their clothes,
threw dust in the air, and told the soldiers to kill him. 22:22-23
- "The night following the Lord stood by him, and said, Be of good cheer, Paul."
The Lord (Jesus?) stopped by to chat with Paul. 23:11
- The Jews form a grand conspiracy to kill Paul. They vow not to eat or drink until the job is done. (The first hunger strike?)
- Oh boy, we get to hear the Damascus road story for the third time! 26:13-15
- Paul tells his sailing companions not to fear. He has an angel onboard that will protect them. 27:22-24
- Paul is bitten by a poisonous snake and yet
lives. The "barbarians" who were shipwrecked with him thought he must
be a murderer since he was bitten; but then they changed their minds and thought
him to be a god since he didn't die. (The snake story is especially interesting since there
are no poisonous snakes on Malta, and there is no evidence of their existence in the past.)
- By praying and touching the sick people of Malta, Paul cures them of their diseases.
- The Jews of Rome refer to Paul's religion as a sect. 28:22
- Atheists have dark and foolish hearts. 1:21
- God will judge the secrets of men using Paul's gospel. 2:16
- "If thou be a breaker of the law, thy circumcision is made uncircumcision."
If you are circumcised and you break the law, your foreskin will grow back. 2:25
- Paul asks the very good question: "Is there unrighteousness who taketh vengeance [upon innocent people]?" The
obvious answer to this is, yes. Paul then quickly adds, "I speak as a man." What else could he speak as? A donkey or a
god, perhaps? 3:5
- Paul says that Abraham needed God's help to father Isaac when he was 100 years old. But Abraham, when he was
even older, managed to father six more children with a new wife without any divine assistance
(Gen 21:2, 25:1-2). 4:19
- The guilty are "justified" and "saved from wrath" by the blood of an innocent victim.
- "If ... we were reconciled to God by the death of his Son", then God is truly a monster. 5:10
- God punishes everyone for someone else's sin; then he saves them by killing an innocent victim.
- God gave the law so "that the offence might abound." 5:20
- There is nothing good about Paul. 7:18
- "They that are in the flesh cannot please God." 8:8
- If Christ be in you, the body is dead. 8:10
- God intercedes with God by talking to, and sometimes even arguing with, himself.
- "All things work together for good to them that love God."
One of the greatest and most absurd lies in all of scripture. 8:28
- If you are a child of the flesh, you are not the seed of God. Whatever that might be. 9:8
- Paul says that everyone, even in his day, had the gospel preached to them. Even the Native Americans, Asians,
Pacific Islanders? 10:18
- "Salvation is come unto the Gentiles, for to provoke them [the Jews] to jealousy." 11:11
- "This is my covenant unto them, [the Jews] when I shall take away their sins."
Someday God will take away all Jewish sins. 11:27
- "As concerning the gospel, they are enemies for your sakes: but as touching the election,
they are beloved for the father's sakes."
Jews are enemies to Christians, but God loves them for their ancestors' sake. 11:28
- Gentiles used to be unbelievers, but now the Jews are the unbelievers and God saves gentiles through Jewish unbelief. It's all a part of
God's plan. 11:30
- Non-believing Jews will obtain mercy through the mercy of believers. 11:31
- "God hath concluded them [the Jews] all in unbelief, that he might have mercy upon all." 11:32
- "Rulers are not a terror to good works, but to the evil."
If you behave yourself, no king or government will mistreat you. 13:3
- It is wrong to borrow money. 13:8
- "If there be any other commandment...."
Paul tries to list the Ten Commandments, but he only came up with five (the good secular humanist ones). Oh well, Jesus couldn’t list them all either.
(Mt 19:17-19) 13:9
- Only wimps are vegetarians. 14:2