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Absurdity: Acts - Ephesians

Acts | Romans | 1 Corinthians | 2 Corinthians | Galatians | Ephesians


  1. While Jesus went up to heaven, two angels (men in white) stop by to tell the disciples that Jesus will return in the s ame way he just left them (by beaming up/down via transporter). 1:10-11

  2. Judas' replacement is selected by lottery. 1:26

  3. A mighty wind comes, cloven tongues of fire sit on top of heads, everyone starts speaking in languages they don't understand and act like they're drunk. 2:2-13

  4. "There were dwelling at Jerusalem Jews, devout men, out of every nation under heaven."
    (Polynesians, Native Americans, Australian Aborigines, Japanese, you name it.) 2:5

  5. Those who heard the apostles speaking in tongues thought they were drunk. 2:13

  6. Peter assures the crowd that the apostles aren't drunk, saying, "Heck, it's only nine o'clock in the morning. That's way too early for us to get drunk." 2:14

  7. Peter says that their strange behavior (speaking in tongues, etc.) was to be expected since they were living in "the last days." 2:17

  8. In the last days (which Peter believes have already come) God will show great signs and wonders -- things like "blood, and fire, and vapour of smoke." 2:19

  9. "The sun shall be turned into darkness, and the moon into blood."
    It happens with every solar or lunar eclipse. 2:20

  10. Jesus did a little time in hell. I'm not sure what for. 2:31

  11. "The same day there were added unto them about three thousand souls."
    The number of believers went from 120 (1:15) to 3120 in a single day. 2:41

  12. "Fear came upon every soul: and many wonders and signs were done by the apostles." 2:43

  13. Peter heals a lame man. 3:2-7

  14. "When they had prayed, the place was shaken."
    The first prayer-caused earthquake. 4:31

  15. "By the hands of the apostles were many signs and wonders wrought among the people." 5:12

  16. The sick were healed just by touching the shadow of Peter. 5:15-16

  17. "The angel of the Lord by night opened the prison doors, and brought them forth." 5:19

  18. "Stephen ... did great wonders and miracles among the people." 6:8

  19. "All ... saw his [Stephen's] face as it had been the face of an angel." 6:15

  20. Stephen, filled with the Holy Ghost, delivers a long, boring, anti-Semitic speech in a synagogue. 7:2-53

  21. "When they heard these things ... they gnashed on him with their teeth." 7:54

  22. You can see lots of cool things when you're filled with the Holy Ghost. 7:55-56

  23. Philip made "unclean spirits" scream as they left the bodies of the people they possessed. 8:7

  24. "The angel of the Lord spake unto Philip, saying, Arise, and go." 8:26

  25. "Then the Spirit said unto Philip, Go near, and join thyself to this chariot." 8:29

  26. The Spirit caught Philip and transported him to a city miles away. 8:39-40

  27. On the way to Damascus, Paul sees a light and hears the voice of Jesus. 9:3-6

  28. Jesus blinds Saul. 9:8-9

  29. Ananias gets a secret message from God about where to meet Saul. 9:10-11

  30. Jesus and Ananias carry on a remote-vision conversation about Saul. 9:13-16

  31. Ananias meets Saul and magically restores his sight. 9:17-18

  32. Peter heals a man with palsy. 9:33-34

  33. Peter raises Tabitha from the dead. 9:36-40

  34. Cornelius gets a message from God: Go find Peter. 10:1-6

  35. Peter has a dream in which God show him "wild beasts, and creeping things, and fowls." The voice (God's?) says, "Rise, Peter: kill and eat." 10:10-13

  36. Peter describes the vision that he had in the last chapter (10:10-13). All kinds of beasts, creeping things, and fowls drop down from the sky in a big sheet, and a voice (God's, Satan's?) tells him to "Arise, Peter; slay and eat." 11:5-10

  37. The Spirit interrupts Peter's previous vision with an urgent message: "Three guys are looking for you. Believe whatever they tell say." 10:19-20

  38. "Behold, a man stood before me in bright clothing."
    If you see a man in bright clothing, it's an angel! 10:30

  39. Sick people are oppressed by the devil. 10:38

  40. "The Holy Ghost fell on all them which heard the word." 10:44

  41. "They of the circumcision which believed were astonished ... for they heard them speak with tongues." 10:45-46

  42. A bunch of strangers came to get Peter, who was told by the (holy?) spirit to go with them and do whatever they said. So he went with them to another guy’s house who had seen an angel who told him to believe whatever Peter said so that he and his family would be saved. When they arrived, Peter started talking, the Holy Ghost fell on everyone and they all lived happily ever after. (Or something like that.) 11:12-15

  43. Herod killed James the brother of John and imprisoned Peter "because he saw it pleased the Jews." (Jews just love to see Christians killed with the sword.) 12:1-3

  44. Open Sesame: An angel magically breaks Peter out of prison. 12:7-10

  45. "It is his angel."
    The Christians pray for Peter, but when he shows up, they don't believe it. They think he was "his angel" instead. (Peter had an angel that looked just like him.) 12:12-15

  46. "And the people gave a shout, saying, It is the voice of a god, and not of a man."
    When Herod gave his speech the people shouted, "It is the voice of God, and not a man." 12:20

  47. "The Holy Ghost said, Separate me Barnabas and Saul for the work whereunto I have called them." 13:2

  48. "Then the deputy, when he saw what was done, believed."
    When the deputy saw that God could (through Paul) make people blind, he believed. (Who else shows off their power by blinding people?) 13:12

  49. David was "a man after [God's] own heart." 13:22

  50. The author of Acts talks about the "sure mercies of David." But David was anything but merciful. For an example of his behavior see 2 Sam 12:31 and 1 Chr 20:3, where he saws, hacks, and burns to death the inhabitants of several cities. 13:34

  51. Paul heals a crippled man. 14:8-10

  52. The people of Lystra thought Paul and Barnabas were the gods, Jupiter and Mercurius. 14:11-12

  53. "When the apostles, Barnabas and Paul, heard of, they rent their clothes." 14:14

  54. Some Jews convince the people (who think Paul is a god) to stone Paul. So they stone Paul and throw his body out of town, thinking he was dead. 14:19

  55. Can you get into heaven without a circumcised penis? Paul and Barnabas are sent to Jerusalem to meet with the apostles to settle the matter once and for all. 15:1-2

  56. God made choice among us, that the Gentiles by my mouth should hear the word of the gospel, and believe." 15:7

  57. "It seemed good to the Holy Ghost, and to us." 15:28

  58. When they read the no-need-to-get-circumcised epistle, everyone rejoiced. I bet. 15:30-31

  59. Paul said to Barnabas, "Let's go visit all the places we've preached at before and see how they're doing." Barnabas said, "OK, but let's take John called Mark with us." Paul said that he wouldn't go anywhere with that John called Mark guy. So they split up. Paul went with Silas and Barnabas with John called Mark. 15:36-41

  60. Paul circumcised Timothy, thereby making it impossible for him to be saved, according to his own words in Galatians 5:2. 16:1-3

  61. Paul and the newly circumcised Timothy were forbidden by the Holy Ghost to preach in Asia. (God just doesn’t like Asians, I guess.) Then they tried to go to Bithynia, but the Spirit wouldn't let them do that either. Shucks! 16:7-8

  62. A man appears to Paul in a dream telling him to go to Macedonia. So Paul, who was a big believer in dreams, did as the dream-man requested. 16:9-12

  63. Paul expels a soothsaying spirit of divination. 16:16-18

  64. "The magistrates rent off their clothes." 16:22

  65. Paul and Silas were rescued by an earthquake that opened all the doors of the prison. 16:26

  66. If you "believe on the Lord Jesus Christ," then you and your whole family will be saved; otherwise, God will send you all to hell. 16:31

  67. The philosophers in Athens considered Paul a "babbler" who worshipped strange gods. 17:18

  68. Paul, a guy who converted to Christianity because he heard voices, calls the Greeks too darned superstitious. Talk about the pot calling the kettle black! 17:22

  69. The first vow-induced shaved head
    "Paul ... having shorn his head ... for he had a vow." 18:18

  70. Paul introduces the Corinthians to the Holy Ghost and immediately they begin to speak in tongues and prophesy. 19:1-6

  71. "The school of Tyrannus" is the only school mentioned in the Bible. 19:9

  72. After only two years of preaching, everyone in Asia had heard the word of the Lord! 19:10

  73. Sick people were cured by touching the handkerchief or apron of Paul. And the evil spirits when out of them." 19:12

  74. Jewish exorcists were so impressed by Paul's ability to cast out evil spirits that they decided to give it a try, saying to a evil spirit in a possessed person, "We adjure you by Jesus whom Paul preaches." But the evil spirit said, "Jesus I know, and Paul I know, but who the heck are you?" Then the possessed person jumped on the Jewish exorcists, and stripped off all their clothes. 19:13-16

  75. The first Christian book burning occurs when Paul's converts at Ephesus burn 50,000 silver pieces' worth of books. (A silver piece was worth about a day's wage.) 19:19

  76. A great multitude cry out "all with one voice" for two hours saying, "Great is Diana of the Ephesians." 19:34

  77. Eutychus was the first casualty of many long boring sermons. But Paul raised him back to life by falling on and embracing him. 20:7-12

  78. In one of the few times that Paul quotes Jesus, he attributes to him words that are not found in the gospels. (It is better to give than to receive.") 20:35

  79. The Holy Ghost's girdle message: "Agabus ... took Paul's girdle, and bound his own hands an feet, and said, Thus saith the Holy Ghost, So shall the Jews at Jerusalem bind the man that owneth this girdle, and shall deliver him into the hands of the Gentiles." 21:10-11

  80. The Jews, once again, incite the people to kill poor old Paul. But he escapes and delivers another long, boring speech. 21:27-40

  81. Paul repeats the same stupid story that was told in chapter 9. (Well, not quite the same. Some of the details were changed to make it more interesting.) 22:6-10

  82. The people listened to Paul's speech, but didn't like it very much. After listening to it, they took off their clothes, threw dust in the air, and told the soldiers to kill him. 22:22-23

  83. "The night following the Lord stood by him, and said, Be of good cheer, Paul."
    The Lord (Jesus?) stopped by to chat with Paul. 23:11

  84. The Jews form a grand conspiracy to kill Paul. They vow not to eat or drink until the job is done. (The first hunger strike?) 23:12-15

  85. Oh boy, we get to hear the Damascus road story for the third time! 26:13-15

  86. Paul tells his sailing companions not to fear. He has an angel onboard that will protect them. 27:22-24

  87. Paul is bitten by a poisonous snake and yet lives. The "barbarians" who were shipwrecked with him thought he must be a murderer since he was bitten; but then they changed their minds and thought him to be a god since he didn't die. (The snake story is especially interesting since there are no poisonous snakes on Malta, and there is no evidence of their existence in the past.) 28:3-6

  88. By praying and touching the sick people of Malta, Paul cures them of their diseases. 28:8-9

  89. The Jews of Rome refer to Paul's religion as a sect. 28:22


  90. Atheists have dark and foolish hearts. 1:21

  91. God will judge the secrets of men using Paul's gospel. 2:16

  92. "If thou be a breaker of the law, thy circumcision is made uncircumcision."
    If you are circumcised and you break the law, your foreskin will grow back. 2:25

  93. Paul asks the very good question: "Is there unrighteousness who taketh vengeance [upon innocent people]?" The obvious answer to this is, yes. Paul then quickly adds, "I speak as a man." What else could he speak as? A donkey or a god, perhaps? 3:5

  94. Paul says that Abraham needed God's help to father Isaac when he was 100 years old. But Abraham, when he was even older, managed to father six more children with a new wife without any divine assistance (Gen 21:2, 25:1-2). 4:19

  95. The guilty are "justified" and "saved from wrath" by the blood of an innocent victim. 5:9

  96. "If ... we were reconciled to God by the death of his Son", then God is truly a monster. 5:10

  97. God punishes everyone for someone else's sin; then he saves them by killing an innocent victim. 5:12

  98. God gave the law so "that the offence might abound." 5:20

  99. There is nothing good about Paul. 7:18

  100. "They that are in the flesh cannot please God." 8:8

  101. If Christ be in you, the body is dead. 8:10

  102. God intercedes with God by talking to, and sometimes even arguing with, himself. 8:27

  103. "All things work together for good to them that love God."
    One of the greatest and most absurd lies in all of scripture. 8:28

  104. If you are a child of the flesh, you are not the seed of God. Whatever that might be. 9:8

  105. Paul says that everyone, even in his day, had the gospel preached to them. Even the Native Americans, Asians, Pacific Islanders? 10:18

  106. "Salvation is come unto the Gentiles, for to provoke them [the Jews] to jealousy." 11:11

  107. "This is my covenant unto them, [the Jews] when I shall take away their sins."
    Someday God will take away all Jewish sins. 11:27

  108. "As concerning the gospel, they are enemies for your sakes: but as touching the election, they are beloved for the father's sakes."
    Jews are enemies to Christians, but God loves them for their ancestors' sake. 11:28

  109. Gentiles used to be unbelievers, but now the Jews are the unbelievers and God saves gentiles through Jewish unbelief. It's all a part of God's plan. 11:30

  110. Non-believing Jews will obtain mercy through the mercy of believers. 11:31

  111. "God hath concluded them [the Jews] all in unbelief, that he might have mercy upon all." 11:32

  112. "Rulers are not a terror to good works, but to the evil."
    If you behave yourself, no king or government will mistreat you. 13:3

  113. It is wrong to borrow money. 13:8

  114. "If there be any other commandment...."
    Paul tries to list the Ten Commandments, but he only came up with five (the good secular humanist ones). Oh well, Jesus couldn’t list them all either. (Mt 19:17-19) 13:9

  115. Only wimps are vegetarians. 14:2

    1 Corinthians

  116. Poor Paul is confused. First he says that he baptized no one. Well, except for Crispus and Gaius. And maybe Stephanus and his household. He can't remember if he did it to anyone else. 1:14-16

  117. God saves fools and is pleased with their foolishness. 1:21

  118. God has "chosen the foolish things of the world to confound the wise." 1:27

  119. If you are to be a good Christian you must try to know nothing (except for Jesus, of course). 2:2-5

  120. One saith, I am of Paul; and another, I am of Apollos; are ye not carnal?" Or confused, maybe? 3:4

  121. "If any man's work shall be burned, he shall suffer loss: but he himself shall be saved; yet so as by fire." 3:15

  122. Christians who want to be wise must become fools. But then they'll have a problem since fools shall not stand in the sight of God (Psalm 5:5) 3:18-20

  123. "We are fools for Christ's sake."
    Christians are "fools for Christ's sake" and therefore shall not stand in the sight of God (Psalm 5:5). 4:10

  124. Paul establishes his own cult (Christianity) by telling others to follow him. 4:16

  125. "Know ye not that we shall judge angels? how much more things that pertain to this life?"
    Believers will get to judge angels after they die. Who knew? 6:3

  126. A believer should not sue another believer in court. 6:6-7

  127. Paul asks if he should "take the members of Christ, and make them members of an harlot?" He further asks, "Know ye not that he which is joined to an harlot is one body?" 6:15-16

  128. "But to the rest speak I, not the Lord." Really? So this stuff is in scripture but is not inspired by God? 7:12

  129. "The unbelieving husband is sanctified by the wife, and the unbelieving wife is sanctified by the husband." (You can get saved by marrying a believer!) 7:14

  130. "Else were your children unclean; but now are they holy."
    The children of nonbelievers are unclean. (But believers' kids are holy.) 7:14

  131. Paul says those who are circumcised should "not become uncircumcised." (It's pretty hard to undo.) 7:18

  132. Slaves should not desire their freedom. Yet they should not be the servants of men. 7:21-23

  133. "Now concerning virgins I have no commandment of the Lord: yet I give my judgment." So this is just Paul's opinion and is not divinely inspired scripture? 7:25

  134. Paul, like Jesus and the other New Testament writers, expects the end to come soon. "The time is short." So there's no time for sex or marriage, since the world will be ending soon. 7:29

  135. "Knowldedge puffeth up."
    Knowledge is bad. 8:1

  136. "If any man think that he knoweth any thing, he knoweth nothing." 8:2

  137. "As concerning therefore the eating of those things that are offered in sacrifice unto idols...."
    The short answer (that you'll find scattered around in this chapter) is this: Go ahead and eat animals that were sacrificed to other gods. Try not to do it, though, when weaker Christians are watching. You don't want to scandalize the weaklings, do you? 8:4

  138. Don't be an idolater. If you become one, God will make you sit down to eat and then rise up to play. 10:7

  139. If you tempt Christ (How could you tempt Christ?), you'll will die from snake bites. 10:9

  140. If you murmur, you'll be destroyed by the destroyer (God). 10:10

  141. Gentiles sacrifice to devils. If you have gentile friends, then you are friends with devils. 10:20

  142. "If any of them that believe not bid you to a feast, and ye be disposed to go; whatsoever is set before you, eat, asking no question for conscience sake."
    Don't ask. Don't tell. 10:27

  143. In Galatians (1:10) Paul says, "If I yet pleased men, I should not be the servant of Christ." In this verse he says, "I please all men in all things." Therefore Paul is not the servant of Christ. 10:33

  144. Paul says that everyone should follow him -- not Jesus. He'll take care of all that for you. 11:1

  145. "Every man who prays or prophesies while wearing a hat dishonors his head." 11:4

  146. "Every woman that prayeth or prophesieth with her head uncovered dishonoureth her head: for that is even all one as if she were shaven." 11:5

  147. "A man ... is the image and glory of God: but the woman is the glory of the man." 11:7

  148. Every women should have power on her head because of the angels. 11:10

  149. "Judge in yourselves: is it comely that a woman pray unto God uncovered?" 11:13

  150. "If a man have long hair, it is a shame unto him." 11:14

  151. But if a woman have long hair, it is a glory to her." 11:15

  152. Those who eat and drink unworthily often get sick and die. (And then go to hell.) 11:30

  153. "Believeth all things" 13:7

  154. "Whether there be prophecies, they shall fail."
    Paul prophesies that all prophecies will fail. But since this itself is a prophecy, it also will fail (if the prophecy is correct), making it a false prophecy. 13:8

  155. "He that speaketh in an unknown tongue speaketh not unto men, but unto God: for no man understandeth him." 14:2

  156. "He that speaketh in an unknown tongue edifieth himself." 14:4

  157. "I would that ye all spake with tongues." 14:5

  158. "I thank my God, I speak with tongues more than ye all." 14:18

  159. "Tongues are ... a sign ... to them that believe not." (That believers are bat-shit crazy.) 14:22

  160. "If therefore the whole church ... speak with tongues, and there come in those that are ... unbelievers, will they not say that ye are mad?" 14:23

  161. "If any man speak in an unknown tongue, let it be by two, or at the most by three, and that by course; and let one interpret." 14:27

  162. "If there be no interpreter, let him keep silence in the church; and let him speak to himself, and to God."
    (If you don't have an "interpreter", STFU.) 14:28

  163. "But if any man be ignorant, let him be ignorant." 14:38

  164. "He was seen of Cephas, then of the twelve."
    But Judas hanged himself (Matthew 27:3-5) and Matthias was not elected (Acts 1:9-26) until after the ascension. 15:5

  165. "If the dead rise not at all? why are they then baptized for the dead?" This is the verse that the Mormons use to justify their belief in the baptism of the dead. 15:29

  166. Paul shows his ignorance (and God's) of biology by saying that only dead seeds will germinate. Actually, a seed must be alive to germinate. 15:36

    2 Corinthians

  167. Saved people smell good to God. 2:15

  168. "We look not at the things which are seen, but at the things which are not seen."
    Believers see things that can't be seen (i.e., that are either imaginay or non-existent). 4:18

  169. "Walk by faith, not by sight." (Don't look where you're going.) 5:7

  170. If Paul is crazy, it's God's fault; If he's sane, it's yours. 5:13

  171. Jesus, who was without sin, was made into sin. This made the real sinners sinless. 5:21

  172. "Give; not grudgingly, or of necessity: for God loveth a cheerful giver."
    The televangelist's favorite verse! 9:7

  173. Bear with me a little in my folly. 11:1

  174. "As the serpent beguiled Eve through his subtilty"
    Paul believed the silly talking snake story in Genesis 3. 11:3

  175. Paul set an example for televangelists by robbing some churches. 11:8

  176. There were these guys that Paul once knew, but he just can't remember whether it was in or out of the body. It was sort of an out of body experience. Anyway, one of these guys was way up in the third heaven and the other guy was in paradise. He heard stuff, too, but it's illegal to talk about it. 12:2-4

  177. "I am become a fool in glorying; ye have compelled me." 12:11

  178. "Being crafty, I [Paul] caught you with guile." 12:16

  179. Are you a reprobate? Here's the test: if you know for sure that Jesus is in you, you're not a reprobate. Otherwise you are. 13:5

  180. "The God of love and peace" is about as far from the Biblical God as it is possible to get. 13:11

  181. Greet one another with an holy kiss. 13:12


  182. If you do what other people want, you’re not a good Christian. 1:10

  183. Paul's gospel was not derived from the other gospels. It was revealed directly to him by God. (And it shows too. Paul knew nothing about the life and sayings of Jesus in the Gospels.) 1:11-12

  184. Jesus was cursed by God. 3:13

  185. "Brethren, I beseech you, be as I am." Forget Jesus. Be like Paul. 4:12

  186. "If ye be circumcised, Christ shall profit you nothing."
    (You can’t be saved if you’re circumcised?) 5:2

  187. "I would they were even cut off which trouble you." Gosh, that doesn't sound very nice. But I wonder what Paul meant by "cut off". The New Revised Standard Version translates this verse as: "I wish those who unsettle you would castrate themselves!" 5:12

  188. "See how large a letter I have written unto you with mine own hand."
    Paul was proud of his large handwriting. 6:11

  189. "Many ... desire to have you circumcised, that they may glory in your flesh." Seems like a strange thing to glory in. But OK. 6:12-13


  190. After he died, Jesus "descended into the lower parts of the earth." 4:9
  191. The bloody death of Jesus smelled good to God. 5:2

  192. Those who engage in "foolish talking" or "jesting" will not go to heaven. (Guess where they will be going.) 5:4-5