Cornelius gets a message from God: Go find Peter. 10:1-6
Peter has a dream in which God show him "wild beasts, and creeping things, and fowls." The voice
(God's?) says, "Rise, Peter: kill and eat." 10:10-13
Peter describes the vision that he had in the last chapter (10:10-13). All
kinds of beasts, creeping things, and fowls drop down from the sky in a big sheet, and a voice (God's,
Satan's?) tells him to "Arise, Peter; slay and eat." 11:5-10
The Spirit interrupts Peter's previous vision with an urgent message: "Three guys are looking for you.
Believe whatever they tell say." 10:19-20
"Behold, a man stood before me in bright clothing."
If you see a man in bright clothing, it's an angel! 10:30
"The Holy Ghost fell on all them which heard the word." 10:44
"They of the circumcision which believed were astonished ...
for they heard them speak with tongues." 10:45-46
A bunch of strangers came to get Peter, who was told by the (holy?) spirit to go with them and do whatever they said. So he went with
them to another guy’s house who had seen an angel who told him to believe whatever Peter said so that he and his family would be saved. When
they arrived, Peter started talking, the Holy Ghost fell on everyone and they all lived happily ever after.
(Or something like that.) 11:12-15
Herod killed James the brother of John and imprisoned Peter "because he saw it pleased the Jews."
(Jews just love to see Christians killed with the sword.) 12:1-3
Open Sesame: An angel magically breaks Peter out of prison. 12:7-10
"It is his angel."
The Christians pray for Peter, but when he shows up, they don't believe it. They think he was "his
angel" instead. (Peter had an angel that looked just like him.) 12:12-15
"And the people gave a shout, saying, It is the voice of a god, and not of a man."
When Herod gave his speech the people shouted, "It is the voice of God, and not a man."
"The Holy Ghost said, Separate me Barnabas and Saul for the work whereunto I have called them." 13:2
"Then the deputy, when he saw what was done, believed."
When the deputy saw that God could (through Paul) make people blind, he believed. (Who else
shows off their power by blinding people?) 13:12
The author of Acts talks about the "sure mercies of David." But David was anything but merciful. For
an example of his behavior see 2 Sam 12:31 and
1 Chr 20:3, where he saws, hacks, and burns to death the inhabitants of
several cities. 13:34
The people of Lystra thought Paul and Barnabas were the gods, Jupiter and Mercurius. 14:11-12
"When the apostles, Barnabas and Paul, heard of, they rent their clothes." 14:14
Some Jews convince the people (who think Paul is a god) to stone Paul. So they stone Paul and throw his body out of town,
thinking he was dead. 14:19
Can you get into heaven without a circumcised penis? Paul and Barnabas are sent to Jerusalem to meet with the apostles
to settle the matter once and for all. 15:1-2
God made choice among
us, that the Gentiles by my mouth should hear the word of the gospel, and believe." 15:7
"It seemed good to the Holy Ghost, and to us." 15:28
When they read the no-need-to-get-circumcised epistle, everyone rejoiced. I bet. 15:30-31
Paul said to Barnabas, "Let's go visit all the places we've preached at before and see how
they're doing." Barnabas said, "OK, but let's take John called Mark with us." Paul said that he wouldn't go anywhere with that John
called Mark guy. So they split up. Paul went with Silas and Barnabas with John called Mark. 15:36-41
Paul circumcised Timothy, thereby making it impossible for him to be saved, according to his own words in
Galatians 5:2. 16:1-3
Paul and the newly circumcised Timothy were forbidden by the Holy Ghost to preach in Asia. (God just doesn’t like Asians, I guess.)
Then they tried to go to Bithynia, but the Spirit wouldn't let them do that either. Shucks! 16:7-8
A man appears to Paul in a dream telling him to go to Macedonia. So Paul, who was a big
believer in dreams, did as the dream-man requested. 16:9-12
Paul expels a soothsaying spirit of divination. 16:16-18
Paul and Silas were rescued by an earthquake that opened all the doors of the prison. 16:26
If you "believe on the Lord Jesus Christ," then you and your whole family will be saved; otherwise, God
will send you all to hell. 16:31
The philosophers in Athens considered Paul a "babbler" who worshipped strange gods.
Paul, a guy who converted to Christianity because he heard voices, calls
the Greeks too darned superstitious. Talk about the pot calling the kettle black! 17:22
The first vow-induced shaved head
"Paul ... having shorn his head ... for he had a vow." 18:18
Paul introduces the Corinthians to the Holy Ghost and immediately they begin to
speak in tongues and prophesy. 19:1-6
"The school of Tyrannus" is the only school mentioned in the Bible. 19:9
After only two years of preaching, everyone in Asia had heard the word of the Lord!
Sick people were cured by touching the handkerchief or apron of Paul. And the evil spirits when out of them."
Jewish exorcists were so impressed by Paul's ability to cast out evil spirits that
they decided to give it a try, saying to a evil spirit in a possessed person, "We adjure you by Jesus whom Paul preaches." But the evil spirit
said, "Jesus I know, and Paul I know, but who the heck are you?" Then the possessed person jumped on the Jewish
exorcists, and stripped off all their clothes. 19:13-16
The first Christian book burning occurs when Paul's converts at Ephesus burn 50,000 silver pieces' worth of
books. (A silver piece was worth about a day's wage.) 19:19
A great multitude cry out "all with one voice" for two hours saying, "Great is Diana of the Ephesians."
Eutychus was the first casualty of many long boring sermons. But Paul raised him back
to life by falling on and embracing him. 20:7-12
In one of the few times that Paul quotes Jesus, he attributes to him words that are not found in the gospels.
(It is better to give than to receive.") 20:35
The Holy Ghost's girdle message: "Agabus ... took Paul's girdle, and bound his own hands an feet, and said, Thus saith the Holy
Ghost, So shall the Jews at Jerusalem bind the man that owneth this girdle, and shall deliver him into the hands of the Gentiles." 21:10-11
The Jews, once again, incite the people to kill poor old Paul. But he escapes
and delivers another long, boring speech. 21:27-40
Paul repeats the same stupid story that was told in chapter 9. (Well,
not quite the same. Some of the details were changed to make it more interesting.) 22:6-10
The people listened to Paul's speech, but didn't like it very much. After listening to it, they took off their clothes,
threw dust in the air, and told the soldiers to kill him. 22:22-23
"The night following the Lord stood by him, and said, Be of good cheer, Paul."
The Lord (Jesus?) stopped by to chat with Paul. 23:11
The Jews form a grand conspiracy to kill Paul. They vow not to eat or drink until the job is done. (The first hunger strike?)
Oh boy, we get to hear the Damascus road story for the third time! 26:13-15
Paul tells his sailing companions not to fear. He has an angel onboard that will protect them. 27:22-24
Paul is bitten by a poisonous snake and yet
lives. The "barbarians" who were shipwrecked with him thought he must
be a murderer since he was bitten; but then they changed their minds and thought
him to be a god since he didn't die. (The snake story is especially interesting since there
are no poisonous snakes on Malta, and there is no evidence of their existence in the past.)
By praying and touching the sick people of Malta, Paul cures them of their diseases.
The Jews of Rome refer to Paul's religion as a sect. 28:22
God will judge the secrets of men using Paul's gospel. 2:16
"If thou be a breaker of the law, thy circumcision is made uncircumcision."
If you are circumcised and you break the law, your foreskin will grow back. 2:25
Paul asks the very good question: "Is there unrighteousness who taketh vengeance [upon innocent people]?" The
obvious answer to this is, yes. Paul then quickly adds, "I speak as a man." What else could he speak as? A donkey or a
god, perhaps? 3:5
Paul says that Abraham needed God's help to father Isaac when he was 100 years old. But Abraham, when he was
even older, managed to father six more children with a new wife without any divine assistance
(Gen 21:2, 25:1-2). 4:19
The guilty are "justified" and "saved from wrath" by the blood of an innocent victim.
"If ... we were reconciled to God by the death of his Son", then God is truly a monster. 5:10
God punishes everyone for someone else's sin; then he saves them by killing an innocent victim.
God gave the law so "that the offence might abound." 5:20
God intercedes with God by talking to, and sometimes even arguing with, himself.
"All things work together for good to them that love God."
One of the greatest and most absurd lies in all of scripture. 8:28
If you are a child of the flesh, you are not the seed of God. Whatever that might be. 9:8
Paul says that everyone, even in his day, had the gospel preached to them. Even the Native Americans, Asians,
Pacific Islanders? 10:18
"Salvation is come unto the Gentiles, for to provoke them [the Jews] to jealousy." 11:11
"This is my covenant unto them, [the Jews] when I shall take away their sins."
Someday God will take away all Jewish sins. 11:27
"As concerning the gospel, they are enemies for your sakes: but as touching the election,
they are beloved for the father's sakes."
Jews are enemies to Christians, but God loves them for their ancestors' sake. 11:28
Gentiles used to be unbelievers, but now the Jews are the unbelievers and God saves gentiles through Jewish unbelief. It's all a part of
God's plan. 11:30
Non-believing Jews will obtain mercy through the mercy of believers. 11:31
"God hath concluded them [the Jews] all in unbelief, that he might have mercy upon all." 11:32
"Rulers are not a terror to good works, but to the evil."
If you behave yourself, no king or government will mistreat you. 13:3
"If there be any other commandment...."
Paul tries to list the Ten Commandments, but he only came up with five (the good secular humanist ones). Oh well, Jesus couldn’t list them all either.
(Mt 19:17-19) 13:9
"If any man think that he knoweth any thing, he knoweth nothing." 8:2
"As concerning therefore the eating of those things that are offered in
sacrifice unto idols...." The short answer (that you'll find scattered around in this chapter) is this: Go ahead and eat animals that
were sacrificed to other gods. Try not to do it, though, when weaker
Christians are watching. You don't want to scandalize the weaklings, do you? 8:4
Don't be an idolater. If you become one, God will make you sit down to eat and then rise up to play. 10:7
If you tempt Christ (How could you tempt Christ?), you'll will die from snake bites.
If you murmur, you'll be destroyed by the destroyer (God). 10:10
Gentiles sacrifice to devils. If you have gentile friends, then you are friends with devils.
"If any of them that believe not bid you to a feast, and ye be disposed to go; whatsoever is set before you, eat, asking no question for conscience sake."
Don't ask. Don't tell. 10:27
In Galatians (1:10) Paul says, "If I yet pleased men, I should
not be the servant of Christ." In this verse he says, "I
please all men in all things." Therefore Paul is not the servant of Christ. 10:33
Paul says that everyone should follow him -- not Jesus. He'll take care of all that for you.
"Every man who prays or prophesies while wearing a hat dishonors his head." 11:4
"Every woman that prayeth or prophesieth with her head uncovered dishonoureth her head: for that is even all one as if she were shaven."
"A man ... is the image and glory of God: but the woman is the glory of the man." 11:7
Every women should have power on her head because of the angels. 11:10
"Judge in yourselves: is it comely that a woman pray unto God uncovered?" 11:13
"If a man have long hair, it is a shame unto him." 11:14
But if a woman have long hair, it is a glory to her." 11:15
Those who eat and drink unworthily often get sick and die. (And then go to hell.) 11:30
"Whether there be prophecies, they shall fail."
Paul prophesies that all prophecies will fail. But since this itself is a prophecy, it also will
fail (if the prophecy is correct), making it a false prophecy. 13:8
"He that speaketh in an unknown tongue speaketh not unto men, but unto God:
for no man understandeth him." 14:2
"He that speaketh in an unknown tongue edifieth himself." 14:4
"As the serpent beguiled Eve through his subtilty"
Paul believed the silly talking snake story in Genesis 3. 11:3
Paul set an example for televangelists by robbing some churches. 11:8
There were these guys that Paul once knew, but he just can't remember whether
it was in or out of the body. It was sort of an out of body experience. Anyway, one of these guys was way
up in the third heaven and the other guy was in paradise. He heard stuff, too, but it's illegal to talk about it. 12:2-4
"I am become a fool in glorying; ye have compelled me." 12:11
"Being crafty, I [Paul] caught you with guile." 12:16
Are you a reprobate? Here's the test: if you know for sure that Jesus is in you, you're not a
reprobate. Otherwise you are. 13:5
"The God of love and peace" is about as far from the Biblical God as it is possible to get. 13:11
"Brethren, I beseech you, be as I am." Forget Jesus. Be like Paul. 4:12
"If ye be circumcised, Christ shall profit you nothing."
(You can’t be saved if you’re circumcised?) 5:2
"I would they were even cut off which trouble you." Gosh, that doesn't sound very nice. But I wonder what Paul
meant by "cut off". The New Revised Standard Version translates this verse as: "I wish those who unsettle you would
castrate themselves!" 5:12
"See how large a letter I have written unto you with mine own hand."
Paul was proud of his large handwriting. 6:11
"Many ... desire to have you circumcised, that they may glory in your flesh." Seems like a strange thing to glory in. But OK.