Drunk With Blood: God's killings in the Bible

Introduction
Genesis
1. The Flood of Noah: All flesh died that moved upon the earth
2. Abraham's war to rescue Lot
3. Sodom and Gomorrrah
4. Remember Lot's wife (Forget Jesus)
5. The Dinah and Shechem Massacre
6. Er was wicked in the sight of the Lord (so the Lord slew him)
7. Onan spilled it on the ground (so the Lord killed him too)
8. God's seven-year, world-wide famine
Exodus
9. There will be blood: The First Plague of Egypt
10. The seventh plague of Egypt: Hail shall come down upon them and they shall die.
11. The Lord smote all the firstborn in thre land of Egypt
12. God drowned the Egyptian army: The Lord took off their chariot wheels
13. The Lord will have war with Amalek from generation to generation
14. Who is on the Lord's side: Forcing friends and family to kill each other
15. The Lord plagued the people because of the calf that Aaron made
Leviticus
16. God burned Aaron's sons to death for offering "strange fire before the Lord"
17.A blasphemer is stoned to death
Numbers
18. When the people complained, God burned them to death
19. While the flesh was still between their teeth, the Lord smote them with a very great plague
20. Ten scouts are killed for their honest report
21. Sticks and stones: A man gathering sticks on the Sabbath day is stoned to death
22. Korah and his companions are buried alive (along with their families)
23. God burned 250 people to death for burning incense
24. God killed 14,700 for complaining about God's killings
25. The massacre of the Aradites
26. God sent fiery serpents to bite the people for complaining about the lack of food and water
27. Phinehas's double murder: A killing to end God's killngs
28. The Midianite massacre: Have you saved all the women alive?
Deuteromomy
29. God slowly killed the Israelite army
30. God the giant killer
31. God hardens king Sihon's heart so that all his people can be killed
32. Og and all the men, women, and children in 60 cities
Joshua
33. The Jericho Massacre
34. Achan and his family are stoned and burned to death
35. The Ai Massacre
36. God stops the sun so that Joshua can get his killing done in the daylight
37. Five kings are killed and hung on trees
38. Joshua utterly destroyed all that breathed as the Lord God commanded
39. The genocide of twenty kingdoms
40. The Anakim: Some more giant killing

Judges
41. The Lord delivered the Canaanites and the Perizzites
42. The Jerusalem massacre
43. Five massacres, a wedding, and some God-proof iron chariots
44. The Lord delivered Chushanrishathaim
45. Ehud delivers a message from God
46. God delivers 10,000 lusty Moabites
47. Shamgar killed 600 Philistines with an ox goad
48. Barak and God massacre the Canaanites
49. Jael pounds a tent stake through a sleeping man's skull
50. Gideon's Story: The Lord set every man's sword against his fellow
51. A city is massacred and 1000 burn to death because of God's evil spirit
52. The Ammonite massacre
53. Jephthah's daughter
54. 42,000 killed for failing the "shibboleth" test
55. Samson murders thirty men for their clothes
56. Samson kills 1000 with the jawbone of an ass
57. Samson kills 3000 in a suicide terrorist attack
58. A holy civil war
59. Two genocides and 200 stolen virgins
1 Samuel
60. God kills Eli's sons and 34,000 Israelite soldiers
61. God smote them with hemorrhoids in their secret parts
62. 50,070 killed for looking into the ark of the Lord
63. The Lord thundered great thunder upon the Philistines
64. Another Ammonite massacre (and another God-inspired body part message)
65. Jonathan's very first slaughter (not counting the one before)
66. God forces the Philistines to kill each other
67. The Amalekite genocide
68. Samuel hacks Agag to pieces before the Lord
69. In the Valley of Elah: Goliath
70. David buys a wife with 200 Philistines foreskins
71. The Lord said to David, Go and smite the Philistines
72. God killed Nabal (and David got his wife and other stuff)
73. David commits random acts of genocide for the Philistines
74. David spends the day killing Amalekites
75. God killed Saul (and his sons and soldiers) for not killing all the Amalekites
2 Samuel
76. David killed the messenge
77. David killed Rechab and Baanah, cut off their hands and feet, and hung their bodies over the pool
78. God helps David smite the Philistines from the front and the rear
79. God killed Uzzah for trying to keep the ark from falling
80. The Lord gave David victory wherever he went
81. David killed every male in Edom
82. Thus did David unto all the children of Ammon
83. God slowly kills a baby
84. Famine and human sacrifice: Seven sons of Saul are hung up before the Lord
85. David's mighty men and their amazing killings
86. God killed 70,000 because David had a census that God (or Satan) told him to do
1 Kings
2 Kings
1 and 2 Chronicles
Esther, Job, Jeremiah, and Ezekiel
The Apocrypha
The New Testament
How many more will God kill?
A table of God's killings