Absurdity in the Book of Mormon

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Absurdity in the Book of Mormon

And it came to pass ...
Excessive use of Exceedingly
1 Nephi
"I make a record in the language of my father ... the language of the Egyptians." That's a strange language an Israelite around 600 BCE to write in! 1:2
It only took Nephi and his family three days to travel from Jerusalem to the Red Sea. (A distance of 250 miles) 2:6
After cutting off Laban's head, Nephi puts on Laban's clothes, and speaks to his servant "in the voice of Laban." The servant is fooled into thinking Nephi is his master. 4:19-21
Laban's servant figured Nephi was Laban and that he spoke for the church. What church? The Jews in 600 BCE didn't have churches, did they? 4:26
It must have been an exceedingly good costume! Even Nephi's brothers thought he was Laban (because he was wearing Laban's clothes). 4:28
"The plates ... I have given the name of Nephi; wherefore, they are called the plates of Nephi, after mine own name; and these plates also are called the plates of Nephi." Okay, I guess we'll call them the plates of Nephi. 9:2
The Nephites were "white and exceedingly fair." 13:15
A round brass ball "of curious workmanship" leads Lehi through the wilderness. A compass, perhaps? But compasses didn't exist in 600 BCE 16:10, 16
Nephi breaks his bow, "which was made of fine steel." But the technology for making steel did not exist in 600 BCE. 16:18
God told Lehi to look at the brass ball and read the words written upon it. And when he read the words "he did fear and tremble exceedingly." 16:26
The pointers on the ball work according to the faith of its user. 16:28
And the words written on the ball change according to the faith of its user. 16:29
So Nephi found his way to the top of the mountain by following the instructions that were written on the ball. 16:30
Lehi and company didn't have to cook their food because God made it taste good raw. 17:12
God "sent fiery flying serpents" to bite people. 17:41
In building the boat, "We did work timbers of curious workmanship." 18:1
"Now I, Nephi, did not work the timbers after the manner which was learned by men, neither did I build the ship after the manner of men; but I did build it after the manner which the Lord had shown unto me; wherefore, it was not after the manner of men." (In case you didn't get it the third time, Nephi didn't build the ship after the manner of men.) 18:2
Nephi says that whatever he wrote on the plates was sacred. But he admits that he might make some mistakes, just like they (the guys who wrote the bible?) did. Not that he's making any excuses, of course. 19:6
Since these prophesies about Christ are not found in Old Testament, Joseph Smith makes a few prophets up: Zeonock, Neum, and Zenos. 19:10
And kings shall be thy nursing fathers. 21:23
How could Nephi, supposedly writing this around 590 BCE, quote words from the book of Malachi, which was not yet written? 22:15
Notice that this verse (which was supposed to have been written around 600 BCE) quotes Peter's paraphrase of Deuteronomy 18:15, 18-19, rather than the Old Testament verses themselves. 22:20

2 Nephi
Joseph Smith got a little carried away with the fruit of various loins. In a single chapter (3) he mentions "fruit of my (his or thy) loins" 21 times. Verse 12 must set an all time record for fruits of loins: 5. 3:4, 5, 6, 7(3), 11(2), 12(5), 14, 18(4), 19(2), 21
Joseph Smith makes some modest prophecies about himself. He will be a choice seer, esteemed highly, and shall do "a work of great worth." He will be great in God's eyes, like Moses, and will do God's work. He will bring forth God's word, confound false doctrines, establish peace, and bring knowledge in the latter days. All those who seek to destroy him will be confounded. He will be like God and will bring God's people to salvation. He will have exceeding faith, work mighty wonders, and do what is great in the sight of God. 3:6-24
Nephi brought along the brass plates and the magic ball (or compass) that God made with his own hands. This was about 1600 years before compasses were used in navigation. 5:12
Nephi teaches his followers to build buildings and work in iron, copper, brass, steel, gold, and silver. But evidence is lacking for such pre-Columbian metallurgy, and it would be well beyond the capabilities of a handful of immigrants from the ancient Near-East around 590 BCE. 5:15
The Nephites built a temple, like Solomon's but with not quite as many precious things. According to the bible (2 Chr.2:2), it took 150,000 men seven years to build the temple, but Nephites crew of a dozen or so men managed just fine. 5:16
"And kings shall be thy nursing fathers." 6:7
Wasn't it God that cut Rahab (the sea monster) to pieces, wounded the dragon, and dried up the sea? Yeah, it was him all right. Who else could do that? 8:9-10
The kings of the Gentiles shall be nursing fathers. 10:9
America was consecrated by God to the seed of Nephi (Mormons). God likes America better than any other country. All Americans will someday worship God. (And become Mormons?) 10:19
Nephi says he's going to include some more words of Isaiah, (He's already included about 5 chapters. See 1 Ne.17:39, 20:1-22, 21:1-21; 2 Ne.6:5-7, 6:16-18, 7:1-11, 8:1-25, 9:50-51, 10:9) because his "soul delighteth in his words." So he throws in another 13 chapters or so. 11:2
God will make sweet smelling things stink and people with hair, bald. 13:24
After God "washed away the filth" from the women and killed the men, he set up "a cloud and smoke by day" and a "flaming fire by night." 14:4-5
"The Lord shall hiss for the fly ... and for the bee." 17:18
"The Lord [will] shave with a razor ... the head and hair of the feet," where "hair" and "feet" are biblical euphemisms for pubic hair and male sexual organs, respectively. 17:20
Isaiah has sex with a prophetess who conceives and bears a son. (You weren't expecting a daughter, were you?) God then tells Isaiah to call his name Mathershalalhashbaz. (It has a nice ring to it, doesn't it?) 18:3
God will "smite the earth with the rod of his mouth, and with the breath of his lips he shall slay the wicked." God must have some pretty bad breath! 21:4
"The wolf also shall dwell with the lamb...." I wonder what will become of the spiders. Will they be more friendly toward flies? And will the parasitic wasps find another way to feed their larvae? Or will they continue to feed off the living bodies of caterpillars? 21:6
"And the weaned child shall put his hand in the cockatrice' den." A cockatrice is a serpent, hatched from a cock's egg, that can kill with a glance. They are rare nowadays. 21:8, 30:14
When God gets really angry, he causes earthquakes. 23:13
Dragons will live in Babylonian palaces and satyrs will dance there. 23:21-22
Notice that Joseph Smith threw in another "and it shall came to pass" into verse 4, even though it was missing from the verse (Isaiah 14:4) he was copying from. I guess he just couldn't resist! 24:4
"Out of the serpent's root shall come forth a cockatrice, and his fruit shall be a fiery flying serpent." What ever happened to these fascinating biblical creatures? 24:29
Nephi's "soul delighteth in in the words of Isaiah." That's probably why he included 13 consecutive chapters from Isaiah. (2 Ne.12-24) 25:5
The Lord "will proceed to do a marvelous work and a wonder" (The Book of Mormon). 25:17
Joseph Smith (or Nephi) repeats the bible stories about the fiery serpents (Num. 21:6-9) and the water-bearing rock (Ex.17:6, Num.20:11). He figures that if you believe those stories, you'll believe his as well. 25:20
God will destroy (in various ways) those who "dwindle in unbelief." 26:15
God won't give good stuff to those who "dwindle in unbelief." 26:17
God will get the Gentiles to kill all those who "dwindle in unbelief." 26:19
The devil is the founder of all those "secret combinations." 26:22
People should work for Zion (the Mormon church) not for money. 26:31
The Book of Mormon prophesies itself! 27:6
The Book of Mormon will be sealed until God delivers it to a man.
(Gosh, could that man be Joseph Smith?) 27:7-9
"Wo be unto him that rejecteth the word of God!
(By "word of God" Joseph Smith means the Book of Mormon.) 27:14
The Book of Mormon is "a marvelous work and an wonder." 27:26
The Book of Mormon refers to itself as "a marvelous work" of God. 29:1
Another marvelous BoM prophecy: many shall say, "A Bible! We have got a Bible." And they certainly have.
This is especially amazing since this prophecy was allegedly made around 550 BCE, long before either the canon or the name of the "Bible" existed. 29:3
Fools will say, "A Bible! We have got a Bible, and we need no more (damned) Bible." 29:6
Before many generations pass, Native Americans will convert to Mormonism, their skins will turn white, and they will become a "delightsome" people. 30:6
God will "smite the earth with the rod of his mouth; and with the breath of his mouth he shall slay the wicked." How's that for some bad breath? 30:9
Those who reject the Book of Mormon are of the devil. 33:5
Those who believe in Christ will also believe in the Book of Mormon. 33:10

Jacob
Those who hope in Christ will obtain riches. 2:19
God made the Lamanites (Native Americans) filthy and dark skinned "because of their fathers." 3_9
If writing on metal plates was so tough, then why did Nephi bother copying 22 chapters from Isaiah? 4:1
"Adieu" is a French word which did not exist at the time the book of Jacob was supposedly written (ca. 500 BCE). 7:27

Enos
Jesus will give you whatever you ask for. If you believe that you'll get it, you'll get it.
(How's that for a big lie?) 1:35

Omni
"He dwelt with them for the space of nine moons." (That's "Indian talk" for nine months.) 1:21

Words of Mormon
"I speak somewhat concerning that which I have written; for after I had made an abridgment from the plates of Nephi ... I found these plates." 3
"I know that they will be preserved; for there are great things written upon them." 11

Mosiah
Lehi, a 7th century Israelite, was taught in the language of the Egyptians. 1:4
A seer is greater than a prophet. He is a revelator with a Divine gift that is greater than all others. 8:15
"And a fifth part of their ziff"
Oh no! Zeniff made the people give up a fifth of the ziff! Now that would be hard to live with. 11:3
"King Noah built many elegant and spacious buildings" ornamented with gold, silver, iron, brass, copper, and ziff.
Why is there no evidence for these fancy buildings? There were many of them, decorated with gold and silver. Where are they now? And the metallurgy technology for iron and brass didn't exist prior to European contact. But there was plenty of ziff around at the time so that wouldn't have been a problem. 11:8
God will smite his people with sore afflictions, famine, pestilence, and will cause them to howl all the day long. 12:4
"Yea, even doth not Isaiah say:"
Joseph Smith adds another chapter from Isaiah (53) as filler. 14:1
Jesus is both the Father and the Son! 15:2-3
All this was done in Mormon, yea, by the waters of Mormon, in the forest that was near the waters of Mormon; yea, the place of Mormon, the waters of Mormon, the forest of Mormon. 18:30
The evil Amulon put guards on Alma and his people, ordering them to kill whoever prays outloud. 24:11
Mosiah translated the Jaredite plates by looking at stones in the bottom os a hat -- just like Joseph Smith did with the Book of Mormon! 28:13
A seer is someone who can translate things by looking at stones in the bottom of a hat. 28:16
The Jaredite sailed to the New World after God confounded human language at the Tower of Babel. 28:17

Alma
Whosoever did not belong to the church of God began to persecute those that did belong to the church of God."
Non-believers persecuted believers because the believers were just so darned humble. 1:19-20
Those who didn't belong to the right church were lazy, wicked, babbling, idolatrous, proud people who were all a bunch of thieves and murderers. 1:32
The Lord did hear their cries [he had his hearing aid on], ... and the Lamanites and Amlicites did fall before them. 2:28
The Lamanites were naked, and their skins were dark because of a curse from God. 3:5-6
God darkened the skin of the Lamanites (Native Americans) to keep them separate from the Nephites. 3:8
Whoever "mingles his seed" with the Lamanites will be cursed by God and will "bring the same curse upon his seed." (Their children will have dark skins.) 3:9
Whoever is led away by the Lamanites will have "a mark set upon him." (God will darken his skin?) 3:10
God darkened the skin of the Lamanites (Native Americans) to forever separate them from the Nephites. 3:14
Whoever "mingles his seed" with the Lamanites will be cursed by God. (They and their children will have dark skins.) 3:15
If you are not a sheep of the good shepherd, the devil is your shepherd. 5:39
I trust you are not in a state of unbelief. 7:6
The bible is wrong about Jesus being born in Bethlehem (see Luke 2:4-7). He was (according to the Book of Mormon) born in Jerusalem. 7:10
He who is filthy shall remain in his filthiness. 7:21
Now the reckoning is thus -- a senine of gold, a seon of gold, a shum of gold, and a limnah of gold. A senum of silver, an amnor of silver, an ezrom of silver, and an onti of silver. A senum of silver was equal to a senine of gold ... ... Now an antion of gold is equal to three shiblons. 11:5-19
Jesus is both the "Son of God" and "the very Eternal Father." 11:38-39
The land was covered with many rotting dead bodies. It stunk so bad that the land wasn't occupied for many years. 16:11
The fifth day of the second month of the eleventh year -- this useless (but biblical sounding) information is repeated twice in the same verse. 16:1
Ammon carried the arms that he had cut off to show to the king. 17:39
Wouldn't you just know it? The Lamanites (Native Americans) refer to God as "the Great Spirit." (18:2, 3, 4, 5, 11, 18, 26, 28) 18:2
Ammon, being filled with the Spirit of God, brags a bit about killing people with his sling and chopping off arms. 18:16
"Others say that he is dead and that he stinketh ... but as mor myself, to me he doth not stink." 19:5
"The dark veil of unbelief" 19:6
Wouldn't you just know it? The Lamanites (Native Americans) refer to God as "the Great Spirit." 19:25, 27, 25, 22:9-11
The Lamanites that converted were called "Anti-Nephi-Lehies." Now that's a catchy name! 23:17
God's curse of the Lamanites was lifted from the "Anti-Nephi-Lehies." So did their skin became "white and delightsome" again? 23:18
The king named his son "Anti-Nephi-Lehi." 24:3
Joseph Smith used "behold" 27 times in this chapter. This may be the most "beholds" in any chapter in literature. (The most it's ever used in the King James Version is 21 in Lev.13.) 26:1
Korihor (who spoke the plain and simple truth) was the Anti-Christ. 30:12
Alma refuses, saying that Korihor has signs enough. Others believe in God, so he should too. There is the bible, and the earth and its motions, and the planets. (Of course none of this is evidence for the existence of a God.) 30:44
The Book of Mormon agrees with Archie Bunker, who said: "It ain't supposed to make sense; it's faith. Faith is something that you believe that nobody in his right mind would believe." 32:18
The absurd story about the God's fiery serpents and the graven image snakebite cure (Numbers 21:6-8) is repeated here. 33:19
When it comes to religion, Mormons believe in experimenting. Just believe and see what happens. If it feels good, believe it. 32:36, 34:4
The magic ball, director, Liahona, or compass. This was the gadget that God gave Nephi for navigation. It worked "according to their faith in God." 37:38-40
Alma tries (and fails) to explain how it is just for God to torment perople forever in hell. 42:1
The Nephites were all "Christians", "true believers of Christ" -- 73 or so years before Christ was born, and well over 100 years before the Bible (Acts 11:26) claims the followers of Christ were first called "Christians". 46:13-16
The Nephites were called "Christians" 70 years before Jesus was born. 48:10
"God would prosper them in the land, or in other words, ... God ... would prosper them in the land." 48:15
Amalickiah "was exceedingly wroth" and swore the he would drink Moroni's blood "because Moroni had kept the commandments of God." 49:27

Helaman
"From the west sea [Pacific], even unto the east [Atlantic]; it being a day's journey for a Nephite." (Nephites could walk 5000 kilometers in one day.) 4:7
The only way anyone can be saved is "through the atoning blood of Jesus Christ." This statement was supposedly made in 30 BCE! 5:9
Lehi and Nephi stood in the middle of a raging fire, but were not burned. 5:23
A voice came from out of the sky saying ... 5:29
The earth shook exceedingly. 5:31
"And behold the voice came again, saying: ..."(And the earth shook again.) 5:32
And the voice came for the third time speaking "marvelous words." And (of course) the earth shook again. 5:33
The faces of Nephi and Lehi "did shine exceedingly." (Just like the faces of angels!) 5:36
Nephi and Lehi "converse with the angels of God." 5:39
Everyone shouted to the voice in the clouds and "the cloud of darkness was dispersed." 5:42
Everyone was encircled with a pillar of fire, yet they were not burned. 5:43
The Holy Spirit came down from heaven and entered the peoples' hearts. "And they could speak forth marvelous words." 5:45
And "a pleasant voice" came from out of the sky, saying ... 5:46
And then the sky opened and angels came out "and ministered unto them." 5:48
Those who reject the word of God (the Bible and Book of Mormon?) and "all the preaching and prophesying" are "grossly wicked". 6:2
The absurd story about the God's fiery serpents and the graven image snakebite cure (Numbers 21:6-8) is repeated here. 8:15
God gives Nephi the power to "smite the earth with famine, and with pestilence, and destruction." 10:6
If Nephi commands a mountain to be "cast down and to become smooth, it shall be done." 10:9
Nephi asks God to send a famine on the land. "And so it was done, according to the words of Nephi. ... And the whole earth was smitten," causing thousands of people to starve to death. 11:4-6
After a couple years of starving thousands of people to death, God finally makes it rain when asked to by Nephi. 11:14-16
Nephi and Lehi had many daily revelations from God. 11:23
"Behold, we are surrounded by demons." 13:37
Another amazing prophecy: In five years the Son of God will come. And this was (according to my motel room version of the BoM) in the year 6 BCE! 14:2
Wow! The night before Jesus was born there were great lights in the sky that made the night as bright as day! 41:3
"And behold this is not all, there shall be many signs and wonders in heaven." 14:6
Jesus Christ is both the Son of God and his own Father! (Or something like that.) 14:12
When Jesus dies (Remember this prophecy was made before Jesus had even been born!) it will be absolutely dark for three days and nights. No sun, moon, stars, candles, or campfires. 14:20, 27
When Jesus dies mountains will become valleys and vice versa, cities destroyed, and dead people will come back to life. 14:23-25
Dwindling in unbelief 15:11, 15
The Spirit of the Lord was with Samuel, so the unbelievers' stones and arrows couldn't hit him. 16:2
"They began to reason ... that it is not reasonable" for Christ to be both the Father and the Son or that such a being would come to earth. And if he does exist, why doesn't he show himself to them? 16:17-18

3 Nephi
"The unbelievers" set aside a day just to kill believers. (They called it "National kill a believer day.") 1:9
God makes a repetitive and rambling speech announcing his own birth. He says that he'll be born tommorow. And that later that evening "a sign would be given." 1:12-13
And God's prophecy came true! That night "there was no darkness when night came ... but it was as light as thought it was mid-day." 1:15, 19
God removed his curse from the "good" Lamanites (the ones that "united with the Nephites"), and they "became exceedingly fair, with skins "white like unto the Nephites." 2:14-16
All of the Nephites believed everything they'd been told by "all of the holy prophets."> 5:1
"And thus had the twenty and second year passed away, and the twenty and third year also, and the twenty and fourth, and the twenty and fifth; and thus had twenty and five years passed away." 5:7
In the name of Jesus, Nephi casts out devils and "unclean spirits". He even raises his brother from the dead. 7:19
When Jesus died, the inhabitants of many great cities died with him. Entire cities were sunk into the ocean, or were burned, or destroyed by earthquakes. 8:8-10, 14
When Jesus died, "the face of the whole earth became deformed." 8:17-18
For three days after Jesus died, there was absolutely no light -- not from the sun, moon, or stars, or from candles, campfires, or fireflies. 8:20-22
And it came to pass that a voice (from the sky) was heard by every human on the planet! 9:1
The sky voice makes a long speech decrying the slaughter of his "fair sons and daughters." (That would be the Nephites. The dark skinned folks are the Lamanites.) 9:2
These words ("I am the Alpha and Omega") are taken from the book of Revelation, which was not written at the time (34 CE). And they wouldn't have meant anything anyway to the Nephites since "alpha" and "omega" would have been greek to them. 9:18
All of the people again heard a disembodied voice from the sky. 10:3
The bodyless, repetitive voice said:
"How oft have I have gathered you as a hen gathereth her chickens under her wings....
How oft would I have gathered you as a hen gathereth her chickens under her wings....
How oft would I have gathered you as a hen gathereth her chickens....
How oft will I gather you as a hen gathereth her chickens under her wings...." 10:4-6
Damned if everyone doesn't hear a voice from the sky again -- for the third time! (See chapters 9 and 10 for the first two speeches by the sky guy.) But they couldn't understand it this time. 11:3
And they hear the voice again (for the fourth time), but again they couldn't understand it. 11:4
"And behold, the third time" (or the fifth?) they heard the voice. But this time they undersood! 11:5
Then the crowd saw a man coming down from the sky! 11:8
Jesus says that he wants everyone to agree on everything with ragard to religion. He says that whoever argues with anyone about anything is "of the devil." 11:28-29
Jesus' bowels are filled with compassion and mercy. 17:6-7
After they were blessed by Jesus, the disciples became whiter than anything else on earth. 19:25
The disciples were white -- as white as Jesus! 19:30
Some folks "dwindle in unbelief" because of their iniquity. 21:5
Note that "Sun" in Malachi 4:2 is changed to "Son" in the BOM. 25:2
The elements will melt, the earth will be rolled up like a scroll, and heaven and earth will pass away. 26:3
Nothing can stop the followers of Jesus. Prisons can't hold them, fire can't burn them, and wild animals can't harm them. 28:19-22

4 Nephi
"The thirty and fourth year passed away, and also the thirty and fifth." 1
In the 36th year everyone became a Christian and everyone behaved perfectly. 2
"There were great and marvelous works wrought by the disciples of Jesus."
The sick, dead, lame, blind, and deaf were all fixed up as good as new. 5
"And thus did the thirty and eighth year pass away, and also the thirty and ninth, and forty and first, and the forty and second, yea, even until forty and nine years had passed away, and also the fifty and first, and the fifty and second; yea, and even until fifty and nine years had passed." 6
"The people of Nephi ... became an exceedingly fair and delightsome people."
(God especially likes white people.) 10
"There was no contention among all the people, in all the land; but there were mighty miracles." 13
"And it came to pass that the seventy and first year passed away, and also the seventy and second year, yea, and in fine, till the seventy and ninth year had passed away; yea, even an hundred years had passed away."
(The 71 - 100th years passed.) 14
"There was no contention in the land, because of the love of God which did dwell in the hearts of the people."
(Everyone loved everyone else.) 15
Everyone was perfectly happy. No lies were told, no murders committed, not a single envious thought or discouraging word could be found among all the people. 16-17
All was well until a few of the people revolted against the church and began to call themselves Lamanites. So there were Lamanites in the land again. 20
The bad guys threw the good guys into furnaces and dens of wild beasts, but the fire didn't burn them and they just played with the beasts. 32-33

Mormon
"And now, behold, I would speak somewhat unto the remnant of this people who are spared, if it so be that God may give unto them my words, that they may know of the things of their fathers; yea, I speak unto you, ye remnant of the house of Israel; and these are the words which I speak:" 7:1
Mormon wrote a letter to the Lamanite king asking him to fight a war with the Nephites at hill Cumorah (near Manchester, New York). 6:2-5
Mormon decides to write down a record on the plates of Nephi and bury them on hill Cumorah. 6:6
The Lamanites killed 230,000 Nephite soldiers in one day near hill Cumorah. 6:10-15
"If ye believe that ye will believe this also."
(If you believe the Bible, you will believe anything (including the Book of Mormon). 7:9
"It [the Book of Mormon] shall be brought out of the earth ... by the power of God." 8:16
"If there be faults [in the Book of Mormon] they be the faults of a man [Joseph Smith]." 8:17
True believers (Mormons) can move mountains, cause earthquakes, destroy prisons, be unharmed by fires, wild beasts, or poisonous snakes. 8:24
God showed Mormon some of the "great and marvelous things" that were soon to come. 8:34
Jesus doesn't do miracles any more because everyone has dwindled in unbelief. 9:20
If you believe in Christ, whatever you ask for will be given to you. 9:21
"These signs shall follow them that believe -- in my name shall they cast out devils; they shall speak with new tongues; they shall take up serpents; and if they drink any deadly thing it shall not hurt them; they shall lay hands on the sick and they shall recover." 9:24
The book of Mormon was written in "reformed Egyptian". If the plates had of been larger, Moroni would have used Hebrew and there wouldn't have been so many mistakes. (Reformed Egyptian is a really tricky language.) 9:32-33
Because nobody knows "reformed Egyptian" anymore, God arranged for Joseph Smith to translate them. 9:34

Ether
Moroni translated the 24 plates that the people of Limri had found. And although he seems to remember some stuff about Adam, the tower of Babel, etc., he decided to leave that part out since you can read all about it in the Bible. 1:2-3
A boring genealogy that we are told to avoid in 1 Timothy 1:4 and Titus 3:9. ("Avoid foolish questions and genealogies.") 1:6-32
"Coriantor was the son of Moron."
Yes, there really is a Moron in the Book of Mormon. 1:7
The Jaredites were Israelites who lived at the time of the Tower of Babel. (Genesis 11:1-9) 1:33
The brother of Jared was a large, mighty (but apparently nameless) man who was "highly favored of the Lord." He cried to the Lord (two times) and the Lord spared the Jaredites from having their language confounded. 1:34-37
"I will go before thee into a land which is choice above all the lands of the earth."
(God likes the New World a lot better than the Old.) 1:42
"There shall be none greater than the nation which I will raise up unto me of thy seed, upon all the face of the earth." (America is the greatest country on earth.) 1:43
"The Lord came down and talked with the brother of Jared; and he was in a cloud, and the brother of Jared saw him not." 2:4
"The Lord did go before them, and did talk with them as he stood in a cloud, and gave directions whither they should travel." 2:5
"A land ... choice above all other lands ... preserved for a righteous people"
God likes America best. He made it for a righteous people (the Mormons), and America will face God's wrath if it fails to please him (and them). 2:7-10, 15
"The Lord came again unto the brother of Jared, and stood in a cloud and talked with him. And for the space of three hours did the Lord talk with the brother of Jared." 2:14
Under God's instructions, the Jaredites build small, light barges to travel to the New World. 2:16
"They were exceedingly tight, even that they would hold water like unto a dish; and the bottom thereof was tight like unto a dish; and the sides thereof were tight like unto a dish ... and the top thereof was tight like unto a dish; and the length thereof was the length of a tree; and the door thereof, when it was shut, was tight like unto a dish."
(It was as tall as a tree and as tight as a dish.) 2:17
"And the Lord said unto the brother of Jared: Behold, thou shalt make a hole in the top, and also in the bottom; and when thou shalt suffer for air thou shalt unstop the hole and receive air. And if it be so that the water come in upon thee, behold, ye shall stop the hole, that ye may not perish in the flood." 2:20
"Ye shall be as a whale in the midst of the sea." The Jaredites are plunged into "the depths of the sea", but they survive using a magic light that Jesus gives them. 2:24-25
The brother of Jared made 16 small stones, as clear as glass, out of molten rock. He then asked God to touch the stones to make them into lights to light up the inside of the barges. God did as the brother of Jared requested. 3:1-6
"The brother of Jared ... saw the finger of the Lord; and it was as the finger of a man." 3:6
"I [Jared] saw the finger of the Lord, and I feared lest he should smite me; for I knew not that the Lord had flesh and blood." 3:8
"Because of thy faith thou hast seen ... Sawest thou more than this?"
God let Jared see his finger. But God isn't sure what else he might have seen, so he asked, "You didn't see anything else, did you?" 3:9
"Behold, the Lord showed himself unto him [the brother of Jared]." 3:13
"Behold, I am Jesus Christ. I am the Father and the Son."
Jesus is both the Father and the Son! 3:14
"Never have I showed myself unto man whom I have created, for never has man believed in me as thou hast." 3:15
"Behold, this body, which ye now behold, is the body of my spirit."
Shucks! The body of God that the brother of Jared saw was just God's spirit body, not his real body. 3:16
"He [the brother of Jared] saw the finger of Jesus ... and he had faith no longer, for he knew, nothing doubting." 3:19
"Ye shall write them in a language that they cannot be read."
God tells the brother of Jared to write his scriptures in a language that no one can read. (Good idea!) 3:22
"These stones shall magnify to the eyes of men these things which ye shall write."
God gives the brother of Jared two magic stones that will "magnify the eyes of men" so that they can read what Jared writes. 3:23-24
Jesus shows the brother of Jared every human that has lived or ever will live. 3:25
"And he commanded me that I should seal them up; and he also hath commanded that I should seal up the interpretation thereof; wherefore I have sealed up the interpreters, according to the commandment of the Lord." (Moroni sealed up the interpreters.) 4:5
Everything good comes from Jesus. 4:12
"For behold, I am the Father."
Jesus is both the Father and the Son.
(He is his own dad.) 4:12
Those who disbelieve in the Book of Mormon are in an "awful state of wickedness." 4:15
"In the mouth of three witnesses shall these things be established."
Who were the three witnesses? The three men that I admire most, the Father, Son, and Holy Ghost? (Didn't they take the last train to the coast?) 5:3-4
God's magic stones were put into the barges, "and behold, they did give light unto the vessels." 6:2-3
"I am fair, and I will dance before him, and I will please him.... I will give her if ye will bring unto me the head of my father the king."
Gosh, I wonder where this came from? (Matthew 14:6-11) 8:10-12
Avoid all those secret, abominable, murderous, wicked oaths and combinations passed down since the time of Cain. If you don't, God will have to kill you. 8:15-24
More "secret combinations" 9:1
"The Lord warned Omer in a dream." 9:3
"The Lord did pour out his blessings upon this land, which was choice above all other lands." 9:20
"Coriantum took to wife, in his old age, a young maid, and begat sons and daughters; wherefore he lived until he was an hundred and forty and two years old." 9:24
"There came forth poisonous serpents also upon the face of the land, and did poison many people." 9:31
"Lib also did that which was good in the sight of the Lord. And ... the poisonous serpents were destroyed." 10:19
"A land that was choice above all lands, for the Lord had spoken it." 10:28
To punish the people for "their wicked combinations," God sent wars, famines, and pestilences. The resulting destruction was the greatest ever seen on the face of the earth -- greater than the flood of Noah, the destruction of Sodom and Gomorrah, or World War II. Yet there is no evidence for any of this today. 11:7
Moron did that which was wicked before the Lord." 11:14
"They did reject all the words of the prophets, because of their secret society." 11:22
"And now, I, Moroni, would speak somewhat concerning these things..."
Don't you just love the way people talk in the Book of Mormon? 12:6
"When God put forth his finger he could not hide it from the sight of the brother of Jared." 12:20
"The Gentiles will mock at these things, because of our weakness in writing." 12:23-25
The brother of Jared said unto the mountain Zerin, Remove -- and it was removed." 12:30
"The brother of Shared ... received great strength to his army because of secret combinations." 14:8
"One of the secret combinations murdered him in a secret pass." 14:10
"And the scent thereof went forth upon the face of the land, even upon all the face of the land; wherefore the people became troubled by day and by night, because of the scent thereof."
(It stank!) 14:23
"There had been slain two millions of mighty men, and also their wives and their children." Millions of people were "slain by the sword", yet no swords have ever been found from pre-Columbian America. 15:2
Millions of Jaredites kill each other in battle, leaving only their two leaders alive: Coriantumr and Shiz. Coriantur cuts of the head of Shiz (with his non-existent sword, of course) and then dies. Don't you just love a happy ending? 15:30-32

Moroni
"Whatsoever thing persuadeth men to do evil, and believe not in Christ, and deny him, and serve not God, then ye may know with a perfect knowledge it is of the devil." 7:17
The Promise of Moroni
"Ask God ... if these things are not true." 10:3-5
"Nothing that is good denieth the Christ." 10:6
Everything good comes from God and belief in God. Whatever is evil comes from unbelief. 10:24-25
"Touch not the evil gift, nor the unclean thing." 10:30