2 Samuel
Highlights

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10
11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20
21 22 23 24


Absurdities
Cruelty and Violence
Injustice
Contradictions
Family Values
Women
Sex
Science and History
Interpretation
Intolerance
Prophecy
Language
Boring Stuff
Good Stuff
Homosexuality
Dwindling in Unbelief
-2 Samuel




SAB: 2 Samuel

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"Thus saith the Lord ... I will take thy wives before thine eyes, and give them unto thy neighbour, and he shall lie with thy wives in the sight of this sun." -- 2 Samuel 12:11

"The book of Second Samuel, an ... R-rated chronicle of David's serial-killer years" - Sarah Vowell, The Wordy Shipmates, p.2

Second Samuel for Skeptics

Second Samuel is about divine justice. Here are a few examples.

  • God kills Uzzah for trying to protect the ark from falling. 6:6-7

  • To punish David for the Bathsheba/Uriah affair, God killed the resulting baby and had David's wives publicly raped by David's son, Absalom. 12:11-12, 12:15-18, 16:21-22

  • When David had a census (that God "moved" him to have), God gave him a choice of three punishments: seven years of famine, three months of war, or three days of pestilence. David couldn't decide, so God chose for him and 70,000 men died in a plague. (The details are different in 1 Chronicles, but the principle is the same.) 24:1-15

Other highlights:

  • David tells Jonathan that he has given him pleasures more than that of woman. 1:26

  • David has his "young men" kill people, cut off their hands and feet, and hang them up over a pool. 4:12

  • Whoever kills the lame and the blind "that are hated of David's soul" shall be made "chief and captain." 5:8

  • "And David took him more concubines and wives." 5:13

  • God's 68th Killing:
    God helps David smite the Philistines from the font and the rear. 5:20, 25

  • God's 69th Killing:
    God kills Uzzah for trying to protect the ark from falling. 6:6-7

  • David dances nearly naked in front of God and everybody. 6:20

  • David watches a woman bathe, likes what he sees, and "goes in unto her." 11:2-4

  • God says he will give David's wives to someone else who will "lie with thy wives in the sight of the sun." 12:11-12

  • God's 70th Killing:
    To punish David for having Uriah killed, God kills David's newborn son. 12:15-18

  • Ammon rapes his half-sister. 13:11-14

  • Absalom "goes in unto" his father's [David's] concubines. 16:21-22

  • To punish his ten concubines for being raped by his son (See 2 Samuel 16.21-22), David refuses to ever again have sex with them and forces them to "keep house" for the rest of their lives. 20:3

  • God's 71st Killing:
    God sends a three year famine for something Saul did. 21:1

  • To appease God and end the famine that was caused by his predecessor (Saul), David agrees to have two of Saul's sons and five of his grandsons killed and hung up "unto the Lord." 21:6-9

  • When David had a census (that God "moved" him to have), God gave him a choice of three punishments: seven years of famine, three months of war, or three days of pestilence. David couldn't decide, so God chose for him and 70,000 men died in a plague. (The details are different in 1 Chronicles, but the principle is the same.) 24:1-15

  • God's 72nd Killing:
    God kills a couple hundred thousand people to punish David for having a census. 24:15


Dwindling in Unbelief
2 Samuel

Christian Response
Annotated Skeptic's Annotated Bible
And he said, Bring me up Samuel (1 and 2 Samuel Introduction)