2 Chronicles: Abusurdity
- "And Solomon the son of David was strengthened in his kingdom, and the LORD
his God was with him, and magnified him exceedingly."
Solomon began his reign with a series of murders; he had 700 wives
and 300 concubines; and he did evil in the sight of the Lord. "And the LORD
his God was with him, and magnified him exceedingly." 1:1
- Everyone in Israel, "a people like the dust of the earth in multitude," gathered at one place to hear Solomon speak.
- God tells Solomon that he likes him so darned much (he likes murderers and polygamists) that
he's going to make him the richest man who has ever lived. 1:11-12
- "The king [Solomon] made silver and gold at Jerusalem as plenteous as stones." 1:15
- Solomon enlists a huge workforce (over 150,000 men) to construct a small chapel. (See
1 Kings 6:2 where the dimensions of the building are given as approximately 90 feet long,
30 feet wide, and 45 feet high.) 2:2
- "All the men of Israel assembled themselves unto the king."
(OK, that might be a bit of an exaggeration.) 5:3
- "The house was filled with a cloud ...
So that the priests could not stand to minister by reason of the cloud:
for the glory of the LORD had filled the house of God." 5:13-14
- "The whole congregation of
Israel: and all the congregation of Israel stood ... And he [Solomon] said...."
Another long, boring speech from Solomon that every man in Israel had to listen to while standing up. 6:3-41
- "Remember the mercies of David." 6:42
- "When Solomon had made an end of praying, the fire came down from
heaven, and consumed the burnt offering and the sacrifices." 7:1
- Solomon, when dedicating the temple, killed 22,000 oxen and 120,000 sheep. 7:5
- "Now the weight of gold that came to Solomon in one year was six hundred
and threescore and six talents of gold."
Solomon collected 666 talents of gold in one year. (666 talents!) 9:13
- After Solomon died, his son Rehoboam became king, and everyone in Israel came to talk to him, begging him to
not be the jerk his father was. Rehoboam said that he'd be even nastier. His dad laid heavy burdens upon them and tortured
them with whips; he would torture them with scorpions. If Solomon had a big dick, Rehoboam has an even bigger one.
"My little finger shall be thicker than my father's loins." 10:3-11
- Rehoboam prepares for war against Israel, who rebelled against him in the last chapter. But
the word of the LORD comes to a man of God telling him to tell Rehoboam not to fight against Israel. 11:1-4
- "And begat twenty and eight sons, and threescore daughters."
Rehoboam had 88 children (28 sons and 60 daughters) and wins
Quiverfull prize. 11:21c
- "Rehoboam ... dealt wisely ... and desired many wives." 11:22-23
- God sent Shishak, the king of Egypt, to attack Jerusalem because Rehoboam "and all Israel transgressed against the Lord."
Shishak had 1200 chariots, 60,000 horsemen and "people without number" and he attacked Judah and "took the fenced cities which
pertained to Judah." When Shishak's army came to Jerusalem, "the princes of Israel and the king humbled themselves" and said,
"The Lord is righteous." So God decided not to destroy Jerusalem, but just make them Shishak's slaves instead.
- Abijah spoke to 1,200,000 soldiers at one time. (He had a really loud voice.)
- A half million soldiers die in a single God-assisted slaughter. 13:16-17
- In the largest single God-assisted massacre in the Bible, Asa, with God's help, kills one million Ethiopians.
- Everybody loved Asa and wanted to follow him because they could see that God was with him. 15:9
- Executing non-believers brings peace. 15:15
- According to this verse, Baasha fought with Judah
in the 36th year of Asa's reign, yet 1 Kg.16:6-8 says
that Baasha died in the 26th year of Asa's reign. So if both stories are true, Baasha was still fighting 10 years
after his death! 16:1
- "The eyes of the Lord run to and fro." 16:9
- Asa, when he had a foot disease, went to physicians instead of seeking the Lord. (God disapproves
of those who seek medical help rather than "seeking the Lord.") 16:12
- The trouble with prophets 18:5-34
- God puts lies into the mouths of his prophets and speaks evil about people.
- The spirit of the Lord came upon Jahaziel (the son of Zechariah, the son of Benaiah, the son of Jeiel,
the son of Mattanaiah) and told the people of Judah that they didn't have to fight against the Moabites, Ammonites,
and Edomites. God would fight for them. And he did. God fought for them by forcing the members of the opposing army
to kill each other. Then the people of Judah spent three days stripping the jewels and other valuables from the dead bodies.
- Jeroham "caused the inhabitants of Jerusalem to commit fornication." 21:11
- "There came a writing to him from Elijah the prophet."
Jehoram began to reign after Elijah went to heaven (2 Kings 2:11,
8:16), so how could King Jehoram receive a letter from him?
- Jehoram was 32 years old when he began to reign and he reigned for eight years and then died (a 40
years old). After his death, his youngest son Ahaziah began to reign at the age of 42 (22:1-2).
So the son (Ahaziah) was two years older than his father! 21:20,
- "Then Athaliah rent her clothes." 23:13
- "Jehoiada ... was full ... an hundred and thirty years old was he when he died." 24:15
thistle that was in Lebanon sent to the cedar that was in Lebanon, saying,
Give thy daughter to my son to wife: and there passed by a wild beast that
was in Lebanon, and trode down the thistle." 25:18
- God makes Uzziah a leper for burning incense without a license. 26:19-21
- "He (Ahaz) ... burnt incense ... under every green tree." 28:4
- Pekah killed 120,000 people in one day and enslaves 200,000 women and children
"because they had forsaken the Lord God of their fathers." 28:6-8
- "All Israel ... went out to
the cities of Judah, and brake the images in pieces, and cut down the
groves, and threw down the high places and the altars out of all Judah ...
until they had utterly destroyed them all." 31:1
- "Because thine heart was tender, and thou didst humble thyself before God ... and humbledst thyself before me,
and didst rend thy clothes, and weep before me; I have even heard thee also, saith the LORD." 34:27
- An eight year-old king (Jehoiachin) did "evil in the sight of the Lord." 36:9
- "The LORD his God be with him, and let him go up." Now how's that for a strange ending? Actually, the last
two verses from 2 Chronicles are taken from the first few verses of Ezra. It just happens
that whoever decided to tack these verses on (for whatever reason) forgot to finish the sentence!
- God gave "all the kingdoms of the earth" to King Cyrus. (OK, that might be a bit of an exaggeration.) 36:22-23