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Absurdities in Proverbs

  1. "Lean not unto thine own understanding." Don't try to understand things; just accept whatever the bible and your religious leaders tell you. 3:5

  2. If you give money to God, he will make you rich and you'll have lots of wine. 3:9-10

  3. "A naughty person, a wicked man ... winketh with his eyes."
    Naughty, wicked people wink. (Like Sarah Palin) 6:12-13, 10:10

  4. God never allows good people to go hungry or the wicked to become wealthy. 10:3

  5. "The liberal soul shall be made fat." 11:25

  6. Bad things only happen to bad people. 12:21

  7. The soul of the diligent shall be made fat."
    God makes the diligent fat. (Lazy people are skinny and poor.) 13:4

  8. How to tell the good from the bad: Good people are the ones who get plenty to eat, and wicked are the ones who go hungry. 13:25

  9. "The eyes of the Lord are in every place." 15:3

  10. "The hoary head [gray hair] is a crown of glory." 16:31

  11. All games of chance (gambling) are controlled by God. 16:33

  12. "The spirit of man is the candle of the LORD, searching all the inward parts of the belly." 20:27

  13. "The beauty of old men is the grey head." 20:29

  14. "The blueness of a wound cleanseth away evil: so do stripes the inward parts of the belly." 20:30

  15. Those who are humble and fear God will live long and prosper. 22:4

  16. Don't eat dinner with a person who has an "evil eye." 23:6

  17. "To have respect of persons is not good." (Treat everyone with disrespect.) 28:21

  18. "Yea, my reins shall rejoice."
    ("Reins" is the Bible's word for kidneys.) 23:16

  19. If you are greedy then you must have an "evil eye." 28:22

  20. "He that putteth his trust in the LORD shall be made fat."
    So that's why there are so many fat Christians! (And starving non-Christians.) 28:25

  21. "Every word of God is pure. See Ezekiel 23:20 and Malachi 2:3 for just two examples of the "pure word of God." 30:5

  22. One of the four "wonderful" things is "the way of a man with a maid."  30:18-19

  23. "The wringing of the nose bringeth forth blood." 30:33